adharma | QUESTION MEME

I want to hear about Acedia's immediate thoughts on his situation and also why he didn't kill Luke '-'

I AM JUST DOING PART 2 RIGHT NOW COS IT IS EASIER.

Really like. Mafia hatred was up, but there isn't a mafia presence in Aather so much as individuals. And his aggression wasn't up. And he knows people don't stay dead in Aather. Plus the fact that the mind/body disconnect also effects how he parses reality as well as cause and effect. Plus the fact he was pretty sure he could come back and off Luke later so there wasn't any agency to the situation :|a

Are you going to make me answer part 1 before I get to ask you something too.

YES

He's. . . extremely unhappy. It's a lot of guilt and a lot of just . . . embarrassment? Mostly emotions he isn't familiar with at all and a lot of shock. He's sort of shocked from just reconnecting with himself and then his emotions and going from sociopathy back to his less-than-sociopathy. A LOT OF FEELINGS. He can hold it together with people he didn't . . . mess up with so non-teammates and such, but really he kind of wants to fall off the face of the earth. Shame, I guess? And before this he talked with Liberty and there was the point of "You don't trust yourself" that came up . . . and. . . now he's like. . . well. I guess I don't. A big blow to his confidence :|a and feelings of being in control of himself and I guess some shattered delusions.

Will this experience do anything to Dawn?

I... don't know what it will do to Dawn. He will probably have a temporary melt down because WOW THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY AMAZINGLY HORRIFIC. Like, he is used to the concept that he is worth less than the average person, but in proportion to where he is NOW that is... actually a lot of worth. Because as he is right now he is like... so broken sob. It's not even that he DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS. He still feels EVERYTHING, just his feelings have no value so he sort of brushes them aside without consideration and it's just. When he has his normal amount of worthlessness back it will be like WOW I CANNOT EVEN HOW MUCH THAT SUCKED '-';;;;;

But it probably won't help his overall self worth any, no. Particularly since it seems like Dera is going to blame him for doing something so stupid 8D; WHICH IS REASONABLE, just, not generally good for him.

AND I ACTUALLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD BEEN FIXED so back up and answer that question as if he was still broken '-'

He doesn't think it's bad at all and kind of likes it though it's disorienting.

Are you trying to decipher my plurk from last night.

...no. I TRIED for like five seconds... yesterday... then i figured they were just notes an essay or sth

HOW MUCH HAVE WE BACKTRACKED DUE TO YOUR FAILURE AT THAT VAN CONVO...

. . . a lot. I MEAN ON ONE HAND ACEDIA FELT FEELINGS . . .

But you can see my reply to Lloyd for more feelings talk. How much have we backtracked on your side due to van convo ...

Hrm... God idk. INITIALLY he was back to just okay i have no value to Acedia that means anything, I can't trust him to do anything for my sake ever '-' that rather hurts.

But AFTER THIS GAME that was just like crunching his self worth button REALLY FUCKING HARD i..idk. He might either totally forget that even happened or he might critical out at a lower self worth in all categories OR HE MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING AND HAVE HIGHER SELF WORTH '-'?

A lot of it kind of depends on how people deal with him while he's broken, I think.

But for Dawn ULTIMATELY it doesn't make a lot of difference. Their relationship would certainly be healthier if Dawn thought he had worth to Acedia but it doesn't really change his devotion to him or how he handles him so... it's also kind of the same.

so have just been replaced by dera again '-' is this my life... '-'

It's hard to say until Dawn is just unbroke. But Dera won pretty hardcore there against Acedia.

Though Acedia is going to have like. Minor emotion earthquakes for like weeks. Gawd. What are these secondary emotions.

Tell me about Peridot Peridotting itself in the game .. .

Goood...

hilariously it really couldn't have gone much different. It's not really that 'bad choices were made' so much as they didn't anticipate what the increase in their issues would do. They certainly could have gone about it SMARTER, but not much of what they did was actually stupid.

ANYWAY BASICALLY, Lucifer fully intended the game to be thrown if necessary. he did NOT WANT ANY BEHEADINGS!! Peridot has had a hard time lately and they JUST CAME TO CONCLUSIONS that he wanted to reinforce, so he wanted some good Peridot feelings flowing. He was aware that his sadism would probably increase from the first bet, if they won, but whether he lost it or increased it, it would make a less significant difference than basically any of the others. so he was like k whatever. All of peridot bet the minimum and went for the tarts thing because he figured it would be a good way to test whether the cat was telling the truth about the blank words!

That is probably the only stupid thing actually I guess. If had not been playing three characters Lucifer would've read all of the things and picked more smartly but I didn't have time 8D;

ANYWAY. So first they eat the tarts and that is nice, Lucifer decides to go all in because he can handle it! He doesn't ask anyone else to, but Ratatosk does, and so does Cassie. The next one is lungs, he volunteers for this. It's painless and not really a big deal and he doesn't much care, but all of his stats get doubled so he focuses hard on the Big Plan and not murdering his entire team for lulz. WHICH HE CAN HANDLE!

They go all in again because why the fuck not, and it is headcutting. AT THIS POINT I DIDN'T PARTICIPATE BECAUSE I HAD TO MAKE DINNER and when I came back, Cassie and Ratatosk had already decided to cut their heads off, otherwise Lucifer would have volunteered probably. But he doesn't think this matters significantly. He worked the guillotine voluntarily because lol 8D; Sadism off the charts.

HOWEVER, backing out wasn't really an option FOR HIM because as much as lucifer with his stats multiplied is bad, Lucifer without his 'give no fucks' stat is a psychopath who would kill everyone on a rage high. He couldn't afford to lose it, basically!

So he killed his teammates, then threw away all of their points to fix them, and spent points on fixing himself to the point where he wouldn't murder anyone in the near future \=D/

He's pretty cranky about it, HILARIOUSLY FOR MOSTLY THE RIGHT REASONS? which is that he wanted Peridot to have a good game and totally failed to achieve that. And it's just =T and now he's doing damage control with cassie (s-slowly...)

SO ARE YOU HAPPY WITH HOW THE GAME WENT? thoughts and things...

Hm. We anticipated more walkaways, tbh. I didn't want it to be like HORRIFIC HORRIFIC HORRIFIC either though.

I mostly just hope people had fun. I had fun . . . so I guess I gauge my success on whether or not people had fun or were frustrated and hate me :|a

. . . did you have fun . . .

I HAD FUN

it was definitely complicated to get at start, but it did have a high fun curve once the initial how does i wore off

also i SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYED THREE but i am so glad I did because basically i love what happened to everyone '-'

TALK TO ME ABOUT ACEDIA'S DAWN FEELINGS AT THIS MOMENT

. . . feels bad man . . .

NO

It's accurate.

IN THE WAY THAT 'MUKURO IS GAY' IS ACCURATE.

. . .

He needs to sort them out. But the feelings he got from the Van convo were . . . weighty. In an unpleasant way. It was a bundle of both jealousy/oh no im rejected/sort of just a weird obligatory . . . thing? Which would be I guess in the end a sort of set of 'love'. SO THAT IS HARD. Like, grappling with 'love' in general would set him back weeks ololol.

And then there was the idea of his place with Dawn being in danger :|a Which he doesn't really . . . get. And it's strongly related to the first bundle of feelings but it's alarming :|a

In general he finds a lot of these really terrible and unwanted.

Uhhh and then the game and such. And after the game he pretty much just has . . . all the secondary feelings he doesn't have on top of the love/insecurity feelings from before. So it's all been compounded by shame/guilt/embarrassment/regret as well as personal distrust.

Even if he doesn't feel comfortable with Dawn he wants to feel secure. Or the other way around or something. It's possible he caught on a little bit to how desperate Dawn begged him and that's tipped him into the not feeling secure.

Uhh. But yeah :|a a lot of . . . things that he wants or feels he's lost or will lose coupled with actual guilt.

A lot of bad feelings, I guess in a way, but they're actual normal-y human feelings to some extent.

Does Luke ever realize how messed up/abnormal he is . . .

Nooot really. He has very little conceptual basis for what is 'healthy'. He doesn't know what the right way to do things is, so he doesn't know his way is wrong. he knows it's often not what people want, but he's pretty good at accepting the result even if the foundation is shitty.

He does realize when he has fucked up sometimes, but he isn't very good at tracing the problem to it's source. So it's more like "I messed up by letting Three take my sense of touch without realizing how it would hurt the people around me and eventually break me" but not "I wouldn't have let Three take my sense of touch if I thought what I want or what I am afraid of had any meaning".

BOY NEEDS SOME SERIOUS FUCKING THERAPY. and unfortunately he can't bff with lucifer because I play him. and while a lot of characters are good at solving problems or helping with self esteem, hilariously few are good therapists '-';;

WHAT MEMORY DID ALEXIEL GET BACK...

I LEFT THEM ALL AS NUMBERS FOR A REASON!!!!!!!

It's getting Nanatsuya from the cave tho.

Do you understand my problems luke ...

I FIGURED IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WANTED PEOPLE TO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WERE WHEN PICKING, NOT AFTER THEY WERE PICKED '-'

...which... problems...

Also does this mean she knows Lucifer = Nanatsusaya = lol

. . . which of my problems do you know, is a better question I guess.

Shhhheeee knows some of it yes :|a probably an imperfect understanding of it but enough.

WELL

For one I guess Dawn can't really organize problems very clearly. like throws basically anything that isn't ordinary rationality into 'crazy'. But he is pretty good at understanding the motives behind those actions.

So it's more like a series of unfortunate events...

Acedia was tortured as a child and the other mafia families attacked him instead of saving him >> Acedia hates the mafia

Acedia was tortured as a child >> Acedia doesn't care if he gets hurt

Acedia's life has always been horrible >> Acedia has a lot of nightmares

Acedia has never been around people much and doesn't examine his feelings >> Acedia doesn't know how to feelings

Acedia is an illusionist who lives through lies >> Acedia has a hard time with truth

The only thing Acedia has ever trusted or relied on were chikusa and ken >> team is really important to Acedia

Acedia has never has his feelings of love called that >> Acedia doesn't get love

Those are... some of the main ones. These are of course very simple (and sometimes just wrong) explanations, but they're how Luke sees them, and he generally right about the outcome, if not the cause. When he CAN'T see a cause he has a harder time recognizing the outcome as a problem tho. For example, he doesn't think of Acedia's thing with Nii as rape waiting to happen, cuz even tho it's sort of weird in that Acedia only seems to frustrate himself with it, he doesn't really know where it comes from, and assumes it's just some weird mindgame... But without knowing the origin of that it's just like 8|a? *Shrug*?

DAWN WINS AND VAN LEARNS TO LOVE HIM. what Acedia do.

You're very cute, Luke.

. . . uhhhhhhhhh. gosh. It probably depends on whether or not he and Dawn have sorted themselves before then. LIKE. HONESTLY???? He doesn't have a huge amount of problem with Van. There is the initial BLUGH IM ANGRY but that is really literally nothing compared to his burning hatred of the mafia. And really he can set that aside so he can set this aside as well \:D/

The other issue is 'does Van make dawn happy or sad' and if it is sad it is to the shank pile. But I assume this would only make Dawn happier. So it pretty much clears Van from the shankpile but also pretty much tips the scales into deep insecurity.

So yes 8|a really hinges on where they are.

What would Dawn do if Van learned to love him . . .

oh god

jump into the ice cold deep end and never look back 8D;

HE WOULD JUMP FEET FIRST AND HE WOULD LOOK but he would... still jump....

And therapists everywhere would put their head in their hands and cry...

There is basically no way for Dawn to have a truly healthy relationship with Van. Even if Van was genuinely repentant and genuinely loved him, it doesn't change the fact that Dawn is basically brainwashed to love him and he is central to every single one of Dawn's defining issues. The only healthy relationship they could have would be if Dawn rejected him, because that would meant Dawn has self worth enough to realize that regardless of Van's regrets he basically build and systematically destroyed Luke for his own purposes, without a shred of guilt. And that that isn't acceptable or the foundation for any kind of happiness!

But he will never be healthy enough to reject him so any kind of 'positive' relationship would still be fundamentally mindbendingly terrible. Doesn't really matter if it was sexual, parental, or friendship.

BUT Dawn would not only do it but he would defend Van the entire way 8D;

i think i am out '-'.....

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