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BORN ON A ROTTEN DAY pages
I'm not typing up a lot of the redundant parts or parts I am too lazy to. Will add as I go.
VIRGO
"Everlasting know-it-alls need love, too"
Element: Earth. Virgo Earth is a solid parcel of common soil that provides everything you need in a predictable manner -- as predictable as Bermuda grass. Mow it, water it, mow it, water it.
Quality: Mutable. Virgo moods swing from nitpicker, to crank, to critic.
Symbol: The Virgin. In your dreams and their minds.
Ruler: Murcury, the god of Telling It Like It Is . . . whether or not you want to hear it.
Favorite Pastime: Worrying.
Favorite Book: 1001 Steps to Total Organization
Role Model: Felix Unger.
Dream Job: Closet Organizer.
Key Phrase: "It won't work that way."
Body Part: Nervous system. You can always spot a Virgo by their raw, bleeding fingernails.
Virgo, the sixth sign of the Zodiac lives in the House of Service and Health. Tactful astrology depicts Virgo as a modest, practical peach of a person who is superbly logical, discriminating and meticulous. A more accurate description might reveal an anal, subjective, self-absorbed fussbudget who is critical, sanctimonious and cheap.
Virgos would like to be as unstructured as cousin Gemini, but their feet are stuck firmly in the ground. Virgins sweat the small stuff. These folks are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful and correct everyone else's spelling. They dispense unsolicited advice with all the authority of a second-grade teacher, with about as much insight.
They are so busy trying to perfect everyone else that they have lost sight of their own flawed natures. Of all the signs, Virgo is the least likely to admit a mistake. Prove a Virgin wrong and he, or she, will say, "Oh, I didn't realize that. Well, that changes the whole perspective . . . now, if you had only explained that to me in the beginning."
IF YOU LOVE A ONE-VIRGO MAN
He's faithful, thoughtful and cool-headed during a crisis. He's conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind and loyal. Sounds like a real Boy Scout, doesn't he? Well, he is -- the bargain basement version.
Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed into traffic when you don't want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just as unsympathetic.
At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he doesn't believe and believing only what's convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.
At his best he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.
[ quotes from a Virgo, Samuel Goldwyn: "Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success." "If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking." "True. I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer . . . maybe." ]
Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and you will apologize just to shut him up.
A male Virgo will feign from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He's as loath to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can't control you with his superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.
He may appear to be calm, cool and collected on the outside, but on the inside he's pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish germ-phobic half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of a Virgo male.
If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn) because you won't find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest pretty face. However, he's really not into promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax season.
A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome.
IF YOU LOVE A ONE-VIRGO WOMAN
The Virgo woman is kind, caring and very real. Her exterior may be calm but her feelings are delicate and she seeks a mate who is intelligent, considerate and warm0hearted. She believes in true love and is discriminating enough to wait until she finds it. That's why there are so many Virgo old maids.
If you manage to survive your Virgin's checklist of partnership virtues (and she has a long one), you will soon find that living with a Virgo female is like being enrolled for life in the School of Unattainable Perfection.
She's critical. A female Virgin will analyze and critique everything from your choice of cars to the way you slice the Thanksgiving turkey. She will count the number of peas you eat and lay a neat pile of vitamins beside your water glass.
To her a perfect weekend consists of nagging the family into cleaning the closets or replanting the garden while she criticizes every move, then later makes herself sick by redoing everything. Although she considers herself well organized and tidy your home will always look as if pirates have just ransacked it. That's because she's too busy making her to-do list to do anything.
When angry she is fussy and inflexible. The best thing to do is apologize, even if you have no idea what set her off. Otherwise you will suffer a garrulous scolding that will make you wish she'd just had your ass dragged over a bed of hot coals.
As a love object, think of her as a fortress to which you are about to lay siege.
IF YOU ARE ONE-BORN ROTTEN
You have one belief. Everyone in life is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, or a person you can't whip into shape. You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are very intelligent, but can't make any practical use of your knowledge, so you end up spouting platitudes and pumping gas.
You have Forest for the Trees Syndrome. You are so bogged down in the excruciating minutiae of daily life that you let the world, and your dreams pass by. But that's OK with you since it gives you a reason to blame your faults on every one but yourself.
Virgos make excellent bureaucrats because they love to make people stand for hours in lines that go nowhere. You spend your life moving your metaphorical piles of dirty laundry from one side of your psyche to the other without resolving anything. However, this is fine with you because it gives you something to do on Saturday night besides rearranging your medicine cabinet.
Your favorite game is mountains out of molehills and you obsess over things that will never happen. In love, you are as romantic as a top sergeant drilling the troops. You expect your lover to adhere to your timetable and preferences and balk at any variation. After you invariably get dumped, you cry for about five minutes then decide he, or she, wasn't good enough for you anyway and grab the nearest book to soothe yourself.
You also have exceptional self-discipline and your will is so strong that you can easily make all your dreams come true. You are often misjudged because of your perfectionist attitude. Truth is you never expect more of others than that which you are willing to give. You are sympathetic and generous and have a genuine desire to help people do their best. But you need to cultivate more patience and less assumption that your opinion is always either correct or sought.
Your philosophy is "A time and place for everything." You believe in moral principle and old-fashioned family values. Let everyone else run through life in a slapdash, offhanded sort of way. You are too busy making that impossible dream come true, one organized step at a time.
VIRGO
"Everlasting know-it-alls need love, too"
Element: Earth. Virgo Earth is a solid parcel of common soil that provides everything you need in a predictable manner -- as predictable as Bermuda grass. Mow it, water it, mow it, water it.
Quality: Mutable. Virgo moods swing from nitpicker, to crank, to critic.
Symbol: The Virgin. In your dreams and their minds.
Ruler: Murcury, the god of Telling It Like It Is . . . whether or not you want to hear it.
Favorite Pastime: Worrying.
Favorite Book: 1001 Steps to Total Organization
Role Model: Felix Unger.
Dream Job: Closet Organizer.
Key Phrase: "It won't work that way."
Body Part: Nervous system. You can always spot a Virgo by their raw, bleeding fingernails.
Virgo, the sixth sign of the Zodiac lives in the House of Service and Health. Tactful astrology depicts Virgo as a modest, practical peach of a person who is superbly logical, discriminating and meticulous. A more accurate description might reveal an anal, subjective, self-absorbed fussbudget who is critical, sanctimonious and cheap.
Virgos would like to be as unstructured as cousin Gemini, but their feet are stuck firmly in the ground. Virgins sweat the small stuff. These folks are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful and correct everyone else's spelling. They dispense unsolicited advice with all the authority of a second-grade teacher, with about as much insight.
They are so busy trying to perfect everyone else that they have lost sight of their own flawed natures. Of all the signs, Virgo is the least likely to admit a mistake. Prove a Virgin wrong and he, or she, will say, "Oh, I didn't realize that. Well, that changes the whole perspective . . . now, if you had only explained that to me in the beginning."
IF YOU LOVE A ONE-VIRGO MAN
He's faithful, thoughtful and cool-headed during a crisis. He's conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind and loyal. Sounds like a real Boy Scout, doesn't he? Well, he is -- the bargain basement version.
Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed into traffic when you don't want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just as unsympathetic.
At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he doesn't believe and believing only what's convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.
At his best he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.
[ quotes from a Virgo, Samuel Goldwyn: "Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success." "If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking." "True. I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer . . . maybe." ]
Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and you will apologize just to shut him up.
A male Virgo will feign from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He's as loath to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can't control you with his superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.
He may appear to be calm, cool and collected on the outside, but on the inside he's pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish germ-phobic half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of a Virgo male.
If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn) because you won't find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest pretty face. However, he's really not into promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax season.
A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome.
IF YOU LOVE A ONE-VIRGO WOMAN
The Virgo woman is kind, caring and very real. Her exterior may be calm but her feelings are delicate and she seeks a mate who is intelligent, considerate and warm0hearted. She believes in true love and is discriminating enough to wait until she finds it. That's why there are so many Virgo old maids.
If you manage to survive your Virgin's checklist of partnership virtues (and she has a long one), you will soon find that living with a Virgo female is like being enrolled for life in the School of Unattainable Perfection.
She's critical. A female Virgin will analyze and critique everything from your choice of cars to the way you slice the Thanksgiving turkey. She will count the number of peas you eat and lay a neat pile of vitamins beside your water glass.
To her a perfect weekend consists of nagging the family into cleaning the closets or replanting the garden while she criticizes every move, then later makes herself sick by redoing everything. Although she considers herself well organized and tidy your home will always look as if pirates have just ransacked it. That's because she's too busy making her to-do list to do anything.
When angry she is fussy and inflexible. The best thing to do is apologize, even if you have no idea what set her off. Otherwise you will suffer a garrulous scolding that will make you wish she'd just had your ass dragged over a bed of hot coals.
As a love object, think of her as a fortress to which you are about to lay siege.
IF YOU ARE ONE-BORN ROTTEN
You have one belief. Everyone in life is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, or a person you can't whip into shape. You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are very intelligent, but can't make any practical use of your knowledge, so you end up spouting platitudes and pumping gas.
You have Forest for the Trees Syndrome. You are so bogged down in the excruciating minutiae of daily life that you let the world, and your dreams pass by. But that's OK with you since it gives you a reason to blame your faults on every one but yourself.
Virgos make excellent bureaucrats because they love to make people stand for hours in lines that go nowhere. You spend your life moving your metaphorical piles of dirty laundry from one side of your psyche to the other without resolving anything. However, this is fine with you because it gives you something to do on Saturday night besides rearranging your medicine cabinet.
Your favorite game is mountains out of molehills and you obsess over things that will never happen. In love, you are as romantic as a top sergeant drilling the troops. You expect your lover to adhere to your timetable and preferences and balk at any variation. After you invariably get dumped, you cry for about five minutes then decide he, or she, wasn't good enough for you anyway and grab the nearest book to soothe yourself.
You also have exceptional self-discipline and your will is so strong that you can easily make all your dreams come true. You are often misjudged because of your perfectionist attitude. Truth is you never expect more of others than that which you are willing to give. You are sympathetic and generous and have a genuine desire to help people do their best. But you need to cultivate more patience and less assumption that your opinion is always either correct or sought.
Your philosophy is "A time and place for everything." You believe in moral principle and old-fashioned family values. Let everyone else run through life in a slapdash, offhanded sort of way. You are too busy making that impossible dream come true, one organized step at a time.
no subject
Quality: Mutable. Has a swinging-door attitude toward life -- the bedroom door.
Symbol: The Archer. Sagi is the hunter of the zodiac. Bargain hunter, sexual predator.
Ruler: Jupiter. Larger-than-life. Brutally frank. Chronically gauche.
Favorite pastime: Opening mouth before engaging brain.
Favorite book: The One-Minute Philosopher
Role Model: Urkel
Dream job: Senator in charge of filibusters.
Key phrase: "Did I do that?"
Sagi lives in the Ninth House of Philosophy, Adventure and Long-Distance Travel. In astrological myth, this Mutable Fire sign is described as a gregarious, honest fun-lover who was born with a philosophical outlook and a yen to wander. The rotten truth is this tactless, vociferous bore galumphs through the world with one foot caught in a bucket and the other lodged firmly between his, or her, overdeveloped jaws.
Jupiter, supreme god of the Universe, rules Sagi and here this over-the-top jolly joker bestows a restless nature and extravagant personality. Both sexes think they know everything and spend their time trying to educate the rest of us.
They don't do subtle. Archers have outrageous horse laughs, louder than the din of Times Square on New Year's Eve, and a court-jester smile. Prod beneath that slapstick grin and you'll release a ton of repressed fury. All of that suppressed rage is why Sagi makes the world's best serial killer. Luckily, your average Sagi blows his, or her, top infrequently and instead of physical violence, prefers to put a fist through the door and shout vile epithets about your family heritage.
Archers are passionate, not stable. By chasing whatever attracts them at the moment, they often fall victim to their own penchant for vicarious thrills. Argue, and you'll suffer a lecture that will make your ears bleed. Try to prove your point, and you'll be left talking to yourself because your Centaur will have already jumped the nearest fence in search of fresh clover.
IF YOU LOVE ONE-SAGI MAN
He's honest, trusting and eternally optimistic. He won't restrict your freedom, or expect you to drop your nights out with friends in favor of staying home with him. He may have a wry perspective on life similar to Mark Twain's or the diplomacy of Winston Churchill. An Archer wants a companion to accompany him on frequent, spontaneous outings to wonderfully diverse places, because to him, life is to be explored and enjoyed.
Before you decide he's your soul mate, understand that a male Sagi has the same attitude toward commitment as does his mythological symbol, the Centaur. He spends all of his youth and most of his adulthood in constant heat. He is an accomplished lover, but it's the deed he desires, not you.
But as a partner he makes a great friend, one you won't see very often because his idea of home is a place to drop in when he needs a change of clothes or a shower.
Don't expect to lean on his shoulder or cling to his arm. Do expect to be his pal (or groupie) and to spend many nights alone. He's neither possessive nor jealous. In fact, he wants you to have a life independent of his since that allows him more time for drinking beer with his buddies and following his favorite football team around the nation. He is the one guy in the Universe who was born to be a bachelor.
Archers have opinions on every subject under the sun, and cannot answer even simple questions with a plain yes or no. A male Sagi respects authority, as long as he's the authority figure. Question his right to rule and you'll soon understand the meaning of Jupiter's wrath. He has a nasty temper and his volcanic eruptions result in expensive trips to the nearest home improvement center for wallboard, nails and plaster.
He's impulsive. Send him out for milk, and he'll come home with reservations for the midnight flight to Peru. The Archer's favorite game is Bad to Worse. Tell me the sink backed up and he'll flood the basement because he forgot to turn the water off before he tore out the plumbing.
Yours will step on your toes bore you with rhetoric and hurt your feelings with a thoughtless remark. After all, he is a fire-breathing dragon. But this guy is more like Peter's dragon, Disney's character who flops along meaning no harm and leaving little lasting damage.
IF YOU LOVE ONE-SAGI WOMAN
She's the original Pollyanna. The Sagi woman is independent, optimistic and believes that honesty is the best policy. She's not into self-pity and you will find her genuine friendliness refreshing. She seeks a well-read, well-traveled partner.
Before you beg this bright little star to shine her light on you exclusively, please understand that not only is she afflicted with the same hoof-in-mouth disease as her male counterpart but all Sagi females are subject to a Twilight Zone sort of serendipity that frequently causes them to be in the wrong place at the right time.
She's also chronically late. Her anger is like a flash fire that singes your eyebrows before you can drop and roll. Push her volcano button and you will find yourself dodging assorted flying objects and buying a new set of glassware int he morning. She cools down rapidly but does not forget easily.
A female Archer can talk twenty minutes without stopping for air. She detests housework and most of the time your home will resemble the aftermath of a Level V tornado. In love, your lady Centaur likes affection but hates it if yout ry to smother her.
IF YOU ARE ONE-BORN ROTTEN
You aren't happy unless you have a cause. You're just looking for an opportunity to release Jupiter's zeal. You are the most capricious sign in the Universe. Your definition of 'comfort zone' is the rest of the world's idea of 'maniac mode'. Although you are a loner who loathes routine of any kind, you abhor solitude.
Everything about you is exaggerated. Honesty means saying things such as "For a fat person, you sure don't sweat much." And your sense of adventure is limited to navigating the basement stairs without turning on the light. You talk about travel much more than actually going anywhere.
You are also the clumsiest sign alive. You view romance as a race of how many, how fast. You are also the optimist of the Universe who neve rloses sight of the end of the rainbow.
No water sign alive can survive one of your off-the-cuff darts of honesty about their penchant for soppy sentamentalism.
Yours is a philosophy of "He who laughs last laughs best." You believe in forgive-and-forget and rarely take life too seriously or for granted.