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First biggg memory in terms of personal trajectory and shit was his childhood! AATHER HAS BEEN WHACKY. When I first started I left Mukuro's registry completely open cos I wasn't sure how it would go. But then he got all triv post or triv neu or not at all huge shift-y sort of memories. And Ruby happened. And in general he was becoming a really interesting character who wasn't going to be a crazy trolling murderer or whatever so then I locked down his registry because I didn't want to spin out of that character arc :'D But then he got stable enough I unlocked a few.
LET'S SEE RUBY ARRIVED ON DAY 4, IIRC. The only bad memory Mukuro received between day 4 and day 36 was the one I started him with, Hell. And Hell was a sig neu cos lolol stuff. Anyway. HE HAD SOME WORRIES mostly revolving around LOEV RUBY but Wrath and lol ENEMIES!!!!!! but that was pretty much sorted and Mukuro isn't a big worrier so once it is sorted it's sorted. (If anyone ever apps Tsuna it will become unsorted :') but you know)
Though he was pretty discombobulated for a bit because . . . well. He's kind of an unstable crazy person sometimes and . . . Hell. And Mukuro is bad at sorting his emotions and bad at dealing with them in a normative way. He often delays or puts off some emotions -- sticks them in the back of his mind and sits on them and then lets them out when he feels like it'd be useful to him. HELL WAS UPSETTING => don't deal with it like a boss => be a bitchface to everyone. He also has a baseline of apathy which isn't to say he's necessarily an apathetic person but his emotional spectra is just kind of. Messed up. BUT HE WAS GETTING ALL OF THOSE FEELINGS SORTED TOO. Riful was sort of the wrench in the whole process really torquing some of his parsing around in weird ways but he also settled a lot faster because of that. [ kicking gil, gil's fingers, peridot's retribution, ~relation~ with riful, kissing, broken knee, team|world, consequences ] ANYWAY. His personality as settled around then wassss. . . Ruby > everything, pretty calm, mild trollish tendencies, against change as a general rule but not terribly upset by it, starting to approach more of a normative something. HEADING DOWN THE GOOD PATH. More like a kid with some behaviour problems than a budding sociopath.
Ruby is a winning machinnnee. FAILING UPWARDS. Anyway so he gets his neg sig childhood memory. And has no idea how to parse that. It's a memory with no real beginning and no real end in terms of time. He doesn't know how long it went on or what happened between then and being a teenager. It sucked. It made him really upset. The only feeling from it he knew for sure though was being pissed as hell. The other ones (despair, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, loathing in general and other more complicated . . . shit . . . ) didn't really work for him. So it was just a big bubble of emotions everywhere and he latched onto the anger because it was something that he could deal with. Everything else was sort of pushed to the side. MUKURO IS A DISSOCIATIVE MASTER!!!!! So he /quits Ruby for a bit cos he is so fucking angry and doesn't want to be with people or deal with people -- and part of that is he knows himself really well and can feel all his control sort of breaking then and . . . well. He doesn't want to be mad at Ruby :(. So he goes off to fuck around and try and center himself again. Has a talk with Souya sort of but doesn't want to deal with him!!1 Breaks some fingers of Souya's but doesn't feel better at all >:( That day ends though with him pushing everything away again and going to the party. Why not! He can handle this! Mukuro tends to take things in stride because pragmatically if he's going to deal with them he "needs" to. But it's a bit like trying to cram something into a far too small space, it doesn't all fit.
. . . and then at the party he got Rubypiled one :( And that was really nice. HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH IT. But it was really nice and it was nice feelings and belonging feelings and his dere for Ruby was enough to squish all that other shit back for a bit. This isn't a very good fix though because he's not good at happy emotions anyway and idk knowing your childhood was years of suffering and suckage and enough to make you want to kill the world is kind of difficult. For the next few days he slowly gets around to telling people various things about his memory -- namely Luke, Kaworu and Souya. He shares his memory with Kaworu and Souya. He refuses to share it with Luke. Between then and day 40 he also finds out that Dino is mafia. He has a much better focus for his ambiguous murder feelings now. That really helps center him a bit because he can channel his BLAUGHEMOTIONS a bit more.
Day 40 is the sea witch game! Which he didn't mind much at all. It was actually kind of nice. Also violence happened and in general that sort of took the edge off of his blaughmurder. So then he drags Jacuzzi around to meet people. Feels he has effectively worked out something somehow. Day 41/42 is when Cubia spills the murder plans to KK and Mukuro drops a pony on her. However talking with her very pragmatically and getting along well with her kind of stalled his murder plans -- so did getting hit with a bottle. Also while he has ambiguous murder plans none of them are concrete. He doesn't remember the point when he decided he had to kill everyone and decided to kill the world so much as he remembered entertaining the thought a lot. So dissuading him isn't terribly difficult if you go around it the right way. Night 42 is sort of resolving his issues (on his side) with Souya and that helps him out a lot. Souya is one of two linchpins on his sanity, the other being Ruby. So having a good relation with Souya helps balance him out a lot.
Day 43 is showing Luke his suicide memory and getting doubleteamed by Dera and Luke. Showing Luke his suicide memory was kind of awk for him not because he feels awkward about it but because Luke . . . does. . .? Or sad or whatever. But Mukuro was very zen with it in his memory along with just the floating negative emotions he has in that time in his life . . . so. But they talked about living and stuff which was weird. In canon Mukuro has sort of leveled things that he cares about as "himself" -- it's some kind of whacky egotism that allows him to care and not care. It's both extreme self-value and extreme self-not-value in a way because it means he cares about his things enough that they are on par with himself but also that he is okay with "throwing parts of himself away" sort of. In Aather Mukuro has almost an inverse of that where his value is intrinsically linked to Ruby. He doesn't have the ego he does in canon because of memories and his lack of being able to godmode most situations. He doesn't remember dominating through like 8 years of life or whatever, and he doesn't have absolute obedience from anyone. He has to work for it and balance his desires and others and so forth. So he just flipped it around. It isn't that he cares or doesn't care about dying so much as the way he parses self/things he has/things he cares about is just whacky and kind of crazy and weirdly complex and tied to Ruby as a concept and his place in that as opposed to Himself as the concept and blah blah. This willll probably change if he develops larger life goals like actually wanting to kill the world or whatever, or if he gains a positive value goal :|a But as it stands he is very apathetic (and yet not) in terms of his life.
The doubleteam! GOSH THAT WAS SO UNEXPECTED. It was another breakdown in Mukuro's control over himself. He got angry, like, really pissed. And then he sort of lost his grip on his control because he started swearing and just CRAZY but it was basically like I'M ANGRY AND CRAZY AND YOU SUCK AND I'LL DO SOMETHING and then he was metaphorically kicked in the knee and basically was just like. buh buh buh i d e idek. Yes, that is exactly what happened. The result of which was again to sort of push back at his BLAUGHFEELINGS and then sort of cement the fact that he is kind of owned by Dera and Luke but it also dropped his personal opinion of them a lot at the moment. Mukuro hates being confronted about his compassion in any way and beyond that he just. He doesn't want to deal with his 80 emotions! So after that he probably went and zoned out or catharsissisised or something to go back to being level :');;
Then Odile game (Day44)! Which he had a lot of fun with. Mostly because he just decided to be a generalized asshole and LOLI'MANASSHOLE reigned again and yes. The there was Peridot party! HILARIOUSLY THE PERIDOTINTERACTIONS WENT WELL he was amused. He loev Beato cos she's funny, he still appreciates Cass and holds her in pretty high regard, he had a good conversation with Dev HE GOT DRUNK WITH SHADOWCHILD AND THEY HAD ~TEAMWORK~!!!!!!!! . . . his Ruby interactions were kind of bleh. He has Feelings at Oz, 70% of which are trololol 20% which are Ruby and 10% which are you don't like me so I guess I will not like youbecause my feelings are hurt. And Luke was like OKAY BYE I'M GOING TO GO TO TIGER'S EYE TO SEE MY CLONE. Mukuro kind of knows that a lot of Ruby have different personal hierarchy (ie hold people not on Ruby in higher regard than maybe Ruby or whatever) but he hasn't had to confront it much. When he does it kind of . . . it is the equivalent of breaking his heart a little :');;; though not quite the same cos he is crazy blah blah the way he deals with the world. BUT IT'S ONE OF THE WORST PERSONAL BETRAYALS EVER! So he could see a bit of that and was like |( ugh whatever i hate you anyway!
AND THEN DUSK STAYED OVER AND THAT'S TERRIBLE I HATE HIM >:( He had an irrational hate-on for Asch because Asch made Luke sad that one time (AW YEAH GRUDGE HOLDING) and then because Luke likes Asch more!!1 But then he accidentally saw Asch's memory and his feelings have sort of . . . like his dislike of Asch hasn't really changed. But Mukuro hasss more charitable feelings towards people who have TERRIBLE LIFE EXPERIENCES!!1 Being betrayed and then used or left to die or whatever. It's like some kind of weird solidarity feeling. But he doesn't really know what to do with it and in general now has a wary confusion for how to deal with Asch. Maybe consider poking it until it explains this feeling to him :|a
Misc notes:
- Mukuro isn't really bodyshy but he has some issues with whatever . . . he has. It's unlikely that he'll ever not wear his jacket because the shirt is short-sleeved. When he changes he'll totally splurge his illusion power to illusion away the marks.
- sleep patterns have gotten even worse.
- eating habits have become terrible! Doesn't keep regular meals and would much rather quest for junkfood than eat whatever they get in the basket.
- touch aversive, though doesn't mind as much if it's the people on Ruby he likes.
- he's still sorting through his childhood memory, has been pretty reluctant to take any other memories until he's figured this one out. But he might anyway.
- has probably looked at his memory again since day 36. Maybe even a few times.
NUMBER BREAK DOWN:
•Functioning level (ie I am not a crazy sociopath who stabs people at random) is actually pretty high! It's like a 7. He's, on some level, doing very well.
•Happiness level is like idk a 2? In general Mukuro never goes over a 5 because what is happy?! But recently he's also feeling pretty terrible in general.
•Social level (DEALING WITH PEOPLE) is like a 5 because he can deal with them he is just more likely to be a dickbag because he actually doesn't want to deal with people but not dealing with people seems to result in the opposite of what he wants so he'll suck it up or whatever 8(;
•Dealing with Feelings is like. a 2. He actually has not dealt much with feelings from his memory. He will probably continue to not deal with them because he doesn't know how. Articulating it would be too hard too. But he has dealt with some of it . . . sort of.
•Dere for Ruby . . . 9
I keep trying to think of a way to describe how he is because on one level he is doing SUPER WELL. But on the other he is doing . . . really not well. He's just dividing it up and shoving it around and whatever. And this creates a general sense of unrest and unhappiness but that isn't too far from his normal life anyway because he has a lot of fucked up feelings and inability to process them/recognize them/want to process them. IDK IDK. LOLMUKURO???
IDK that was probably really incoherent so I'll take questions.
First biggg memory in terms of personal trajectory and shit was his childhood! AATHER HAS BEEN WHACKY. When I first started I left Mukuro's registry completely open cos I wasn't sure how it would go. But then he got all triv post or triv neu or not at all huge shift-y sort of memories. And Ruby happened. And in general he was becoming a really interesting character who wasn't going to be a crazy trolling murderer or whatever so then I locked down his registry because I didn't want to spin out of that character arc :'D But then he got stable enough I unlocked a few.
LET'S SEE RUBY ARRIVED ON DAY 4, IIRC. The only bad memory Mukuro received between day 4 and day 36 was the one I started him with, Hell. And Hell was a sig neu cos lolol stuff. Anyway. HE HAD SOME WORRIES mostly revolving around LOEV RUBY but Wrath and lol ENEMIES!!!!!! but that was pretty much sorted and Mukuro isn't a big worrier so once it is sorted it's sorted. (If anyone ever apps Tsuna it will become unsorted :') but you know)
Though he was pretty discombobulated for a bit because . . . well. He's kind of an unstable crazy person sometimes and . . . Hell. And Mukuro is bad at sorting his emotions and bad at dealing with them in a normative way. He often delays or puts off some emotions -- sticks them in the back of his mind and sits on them and then lets them out when he feels like it'd be useful to him. HELL WAS UPSETTING => don't deal with it like a boss => be a bitchface to everyone. He also has a baseline of apathy which isn't to say he's necessarily an apathetic person but his emotional spectra is just kind of. Messed up. BUT HE WAS GETTING ALL OF THOSE FEELINGS SORTED TOO. Riful was sort of the wrench in the whole process really torquing some of his parsing around in weird ways but he also settled a lot faster because of that. [ kicking gil, gil's fingers, peridot's retribution, ~relation~ with riful, kissing, broken knee, team|world, consequences ] ANYWAY. His personality as settled around then wassss. . . Ruby > everything, pretty calm, mild trollish tendencies, against change as a general rule but not terribly upset by it, starting to approach more of a normative something. HEADING DOWN THE GOOD PATH. More like a kid with some behaviour problems than a budding sociopath.
Ruby is a winning machinnnee. FAILING UPWARDS. Anyway so he gets his neg sig childhood memory. And has no idea how to parse that. It's a memory with no real beginning and no real end in terms of time. He doesn't know how long it went on or what happened between then and being a teenager. It sucked. It made him really upset. The only feeling from it he knew for sure though was being pissed as hell. The other ones (despair, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, loathing in general and other more complicated . . . shit . . . ) didn't really work for him. So it was just a big bubble of emotions everywhere and he latched onto the anger because it was something that he could deal with. Everything else was sort of pushed to the side. MUKURO IS A DISSOCIATIVE MASTER!!!!! So he /quits Ruby for a bit cos he is so fucking angry and doesn't want to be with people or deal with people -- and part of that is he knows himself really well and can feel all his control sort of breaking then and . . . well. He doesn't want to be mad at Ruby :(. So he goes off to fuck around and try and center himself again. Has a talk with Souya sort of but doesn't want to deal with him!!1 Breaks some fingers of Souya's but doesn't feel better at all >:( That day ends though with him pushing everything away again and going to the party. Why not! He can handle this! Mukuro tends to take things in stride because pragmatically if he's going to deal with them he "needs" to. But it's a bit like trying to cram something into a far too small space, it doesn't all fit.
. . . and then at the party he got Rubypiled one :( And that was really nice. HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH IT. But it was really nice and it was nice feelings and belonging feelings and his dere for Ruby was enough to squish all that other shit back for a bit. This isn't a very good fix though because he's not good at happy emotions anyway and idk knowing your childhood was years of suffering and suckage and enough to make you want to kill the world is kind of difficult. For the next few days he slowly gets around to telling people various things about his memory -- namely Luke, Kaworu and Souya. He shares his memory with Kaworu and Souya. He refuses to share it with Luke. Between then and day 40 he also finds out that Dino is mafia. He has a much better focus for his ambiguous murder feelings now. That really helps center him a bit because he can channel his BLAUGHEMOTIONS a bit more.
Day 40 is the sea witch game! Which he didn't mind much at all. It was actually kind of nice. Also violence happened and in general that sort of took the edge off of his blaughmurder. So then he drags Jacuzzi around to meet people. Feels he has effectively worked out something somehow. Day 41/42 is when Cubia spills the murder plans to KK and Mukuro drops a pony on her. However talking with her very pragmatically and getting along well with her kind of stalled his murder plans -- so did getting hit with a bottle. Also while he has ambiguous murder plans none of them are concrete. He doesn't remember the point when he decided he had to kill everyone and decided to kill the world so much as he remembered entertaining the thought a lot. So dissuading him isn't terribly difficult if you go around it the right way. Night 42 is sort of resolving his issues (on his side) with Souya and that helps him out a lot. Souya is one of two linchpins on his sanity, the other being Ruby. So having a good relation with Souya helps balance him out a lot.
Day 43 is showing Luke his suicide memory and getting doubleteamed by Dera and Luke. Showing Luke his suicide memory was kind of awk for him not because he feels awkward about it but because Luke . . . does. . .? Or sad or whatever. But Mukuro was very zen with it in his memory along with just the floating negative emotions he has in that time in his life . . . so. But they talked about living and stuff which was weird. In canon Mukuro has sort of leveled things that he cares about as "himself" -- it's some kind of whacky egotism that allows him to care and not care. It's both extreme self-value and extreme self-not-value in a way because it means he cares about his things enough that they are on par with himself but also that he is okay with "throwing parts of himself away" sort of. In Aather Mukuro has almost an inverse of that where his value is intrinsically linked to Ruby. He doesn't have the ego he does in canon because of memories and his lack of being able to godmode most situations. He doesn't remember dominating through like 8 years of life or whatever, and he doesn't have absolute obedience from anyone. He has to work for it and balance his desires and others and so forth. So he just flipped it around. It isn't that he cares or doesn't care about dying so much as the way he parses self/things he has/things he cares about is just whacky and kind of crazy and weirdly complex and tied to Ruby as a concept and his place in that as opposed to Himself as the concept and blah blah. This willll probably change if he develops larger life goals like actually wanting to kill the world or whatever, or if he gains a positive value goal :|a But as it stands he is very apathetic (and yet not) in terms of his life.
The doubleteam! GOSH THAT WAS SO UNEXPECTED. It was another breakdown in Mukuro's control over himself. He got angry, like, really pissed. And then he sort of lost his grip on his control because he started swearing and just CRAZY but it was basically like I'M ANGRY AND CRAZY AND YOU SUCK AND I'LL DO SOMETHING and then he was metaphorically kicked in the knee and basically was just like. buh buh buh i d e idek. Yes, that is exactly what happened. The result of which was again to sort of push back at his BLAUGHFEELINGS and then sort of cement the fact that he is kind of owned by Dera and Luke but it also dropped his personal opinion of them a lot at the moment. Mukuro hates being confronted about his compassion in any way and beyond that he just. He doesn't want to deal with his 80 emotions! So after that he probably went and zoned out or catharsissisised or something to go back to being level :');;
Then Odile game (Day44)! Which he had a lot of fun with. Mostly because he just decided to be a generalized asshole and LOLI'MANASSHOLE reigned again and yes. The there was Peridot party! HILARIOUSLY THE PERIDOTINTERACTIONS WENT WELL he was amused. He loev Beato cos she's funny, he still appreciates Cass and holds her in pretty high regard, he had a good conversation with Dev HE GOT DRUNK WITH SHADOWCHILD AND THEY HAD ~TEAMWORK~!!!!!!!! . . . his Ruby interactions were kind of bleh. He has Feelings at Oz, 70% of which are trololol 20% which are Ruby and 10% which are you don't like me so I guess I will not like you
AND THEN DUSK STAYED OVER AND THAT'S TERRIBLE I HATE HIM >:( He had an irrational hate-on for Asch because Asch made Luke sad that one time (AW YEAH GRUDGE HOLDING) and then because Luke likes Asch more!!1 But then he accidentally saw Asch's memory and his feelings have sort of . . . like his dislike of Asch hasn't really changed. But Mukuro hasss more charitable feelings towards people who have TERRIBLE LIFE EXPERIENCES!!1 Being betrayed and then used or left to die or whatever. It's like some kind of weird solidarity feeling. But he doesn't really know what to do with it and in general now has a wary confusion for how to deal with Asch. Maybe consider poking it until it explains this feeling to him :|a
Misc notes:
- Mukuro isn't really bodyshy but he has some issues with whatever . . . he has. It's unlikely that he'll ever not wear his jacket because the shirt is short-sleeved. When he changes he'll totally splurge his illusion power to illusion away the marks.
- sleep patterns have gotten even worse.
- eating habits have become terrible! Doesn't keep regular meals and would much rather quest for junkfood than eat whatever they get in the basket.
- touch aversive, though doesn't mind as much if it's the people on Ruby he likes.
- he's still sorting through his childhood memory, has been pretty reluctant to take any other memories until he's figured this one out. But he might anyway.
- has probably looked at his memory again since day 36. Maybe even a few times.
NUMBER BREAK DOWN:
•Functioning level (ie I am not a crazy sociopath who stabs people at random) is actually pretty high! It's like a 7. He's, on some level, doing very well.
•Happiness level is like idk a 2? In general Mukuro never goes over a 5 because what is happy?! But recently he's also feeling pretty terrible in general.
•Social level (DEALING WITH PEOPLE) is like a 5 because he can deal with them he is just more likely to be a dickbag because he actually doesn't want to deal with people but not dealing with people seems to result in the opposite of what he wants so he'll suck it up or whatever 8(;
•Dealing with Feelings is like. a 2. He actually has not dealt much with feelings from his memory. He will probably continue to not deal with them because he doesn't know how. Articulating it would be too hard too. But he has dealt with some of it . . . sort of.
•Dere for Ruby . . . 9
I keep trying to think of a way to describe how he is because on one level he is doing SUPER WELL. But on the other he is doing . . . really not well. He's just dividing it up and shoving it around and whatever. And this creates a general sense of unrest and unhappiness but that isn't too far from his normal life anyway because he has a lot of fucked up feelings and inability to process them/recognize them/want to process them. IDK IDK. LOLMUKURO???
IDK that was probably really incoherent so I'll take questions.